Sunday, January 16, 2011


WARNING: This story contains bad language and Adult themes. Please Do NOT read on if you might be offended.

He was one of those poor dumb bastards we all meet, or know, at some time in our life. We knew him as Cliff. Cliff the Brickie. He was a tall angular looking bloke. Arms to long, legs to long, a bit of a beanpole.. His head was angular too. You couldn't say the fella was good looking, homey perhaps. A bit of a silly grin, nose like a beak, and his eyes sort of bulged, and were a bit crooked in his head. He had teeth like bloody tombstones. Macca reckoned he hired 'em out to Stone Masons as patterns.

But Cliff was a nice bloke. He always stood up when a Lady arrived, and he even took off that silly bloody hat he wore. In fact we reckoned Cliff was a bit of a Ladies man. A wolf in sheep's clothing. The women certainly liked him. He came round one Sunday for a barbecue, didn't bring a woman. But that didn't seem to  matter. The bloody women were around him like bees to a honey pot, even mine.

"He's such a nice bloke." She said, "And so polite and gentlemanly. How come he hasn't got a partner?"
"Dunno." I said. "Never asked him."
"Oh." She said. What ever that was supposed to mean. A bloke don't go round asking another fella about his love life. Geez, might get a clip under the ear for it.

"He should have a nice Lady." She said.
"Here." I said. "Don't you go on with any of that match makin' stuff. You lot buggered Tony up good and bloody proper with that stuff."
"He's happily married now." She said.
"Yeah, with seven bloody kids and a mortgage." I said. "He even had to sell his Mustang. Poor bugger."
"That was early on and they wanted to get the house." She sounded a bit miffed, dunno why though.
"Pity you didn't sell that thing of yours." She said. "We could have had our own place by now. Instead of renting."

"Don't start." I Said. She was always on about that. Why didn't I sell the car and buy in the same estate as Tony. Sell the Falcon? Not Bloody likely. Besides they built all those flash places and you couldn't even get a look in over there at under five hundred K. Fat lot of good it would do selling the Falcon. Wouldn't even make a bloody deposit. I know, I know, if I'd done it then we'd be on easy street. As she brings up every now and then. Bloody woman.

"Anyway." She said. "I think Cliff should find himself a nice girl."

I ignored her, it's none of my business what Cliff does. Gawd, for all I know he might be one of them closet poofs. Why anyone would want to root in a cupboard has got me stuffed. Anyway, Cliff went home on his own and I didn't think nothin' more about it. Poof or not that was his business as long as he didn't try to feel my bum. The next week Cliff was away on the Monday and came in Tuesday lookin' like a Pox Doctors Clerk. Smelled like one too. Some of the blokes even gave him a whistle. They're not poofs mind you. Just havin' a go because Cliff had had a hair cut, and a shave, both in the same week, and he was wearin' aftershave. To work! Bloody hell, maybe he is a poof. He had a grin from ear to ear, fit to bust he was.

"Arrh Cliff." Macca said. "What's goin' on? Get yer end in mate. Been doin' a bit of horizontal bopping?"
Cliff just beamed. At lunch time we pinned him down a bit. It seems Cliff had got himself a woman.
"Gawd." someone said. "Is she a looker Cliff?"
Cliff proceeded to tell us how beautiful she was. Tall he said, and blond, lovely figure was the way he put it.
"You mean she's got big tits?' Shagger asked. Shagger hasn't got much style.
"I mean she is physically attractive." Cliff said with dignity. It's surprising how much dignity ol' Cliff can muster when he wants to.
"What's her name Cliff?" Some one asked. "Where'd you meet her."
"At the dogs." Cliff said. "We met at the Greyhounds on Friday Night." Every one roared. "Not on the track I hope." Macca said through tears of laughter. "Didya roll her in the hay?" Cliff ignored the question.
"We spent a very pleasant weekend together." He said. "We became quite close."
"I'll bet yer did." Someone said amidst more laughter. "Anyway Cliff, you still haven't told us her name."

"Terri." Cliff said. You could have cut the silence with a knife. We all knew  a tall blond Terri with big tits. Terri the Trike we called her. One of the Barmaids from the Crown. We also knew she  liked the Greyhounds, her last Old Man had two. We called her Terri the Trike because she screwed that much she needed three wheels to stand up.
"Errrrr." Someone finally said. "Do you know what she does for a crust Cliff?"
"She's in hospitality." Cliff said. Only Shagger giggled.
"Doin' what?" Someone asked.
"She's a Drink Waitress." Cliff replied. He'd picked up our awkwardness.
"Oh." I said. "That's nice." I wanted to knock the shit out of Shagger when he giggled again.

"Yeah, well." Macca said. "It's time to get back to work again." You've never seen so many blokes anxious to get back to work. We worked like demons, and the rest of the day was pretty quiet. MaccaShagger's head off and shit down his neck if he said anything and we all left in a hurry when the day was over.

"Cliff's got himself a woman." I told the missus when I got home.
"Oh, I'm so pleased for him." She said. "He deserves a nice Lady friend."
"It's Terri." I said. The Missus knew who she was.
"That slut?" She said in a voice that made the dog creep under the table. "Didn't you tell him?"
"How the bloody hell do you tell a mate something like that?" I asked.
"Didn't ANYONE tell him?" She asked in a voice so high the dog started to whine.
"No." I said. "No one could."
"Pack of bloody Dingoes." She said. She was so bloody mad at me I slept on the couch the next two nights.

That was three and a half years ago now. Cliff married Terri and they have two kids. By God she turned out a goodun'. Never looked at another bloke again, except for Cliff, and he seemed to come real good. She had a mind for money and they got their own place. The Missus never lets me forget that, and I still got the Falcon, it's lookin' a bit sad now. Anyhow I got to go. The Boss and his wife are comin' round for tea, and the Missus is cookin' up a storm. Who's me Boss these days? Didn't I tell ya? It's Cliff. Him and his Missus bought Macca out.

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